As I prepare to make my big move back to the Midwest, I'm saying a lot of farewells. Today I went to my final Hospice meeting. These monthly sessions are part of the ongoing program of caregiver training and education. Today's feature was a video describing the process of dying and how the body and mind might act and react in the final days of life.
One of the key themes was that many of the things we, as caregivers, want to provide a dying person are for our benefit, not theirs. For instance, as the body slows many people stop eating. This can be very distressing, especially for us women who see feeding as a primary expression of our caring and nurturing. But, our encouragement to the dying person to eat can cause them physical and emotional stress. Stepping back from what makes US feel better to understanding what makes THEM feel better can be difficult. The nurse suggested a caregiver find other "loving actions" to replace feeding--like hair brushing, touching, singing, and so on.
All good advice. It started me thinking about how many things we do for others that are really for our own comfort. I certainly believe we need to care for ourselves, but sometimes that care needs to be balanced against the needs of others. An awareness of who is benefiting might change our behaviors. Ideally, our actions serve good purposes both for us and those we care for, providing us both with comfort. Sometimes, though, our first instincts may not be correct. A person may long for quiet, while our need is to talk. Thinking of substituting a different "loving action" that can satisfy us both would be desirable. Our need to talk may need to wait for a different audience, while we can still show our love and concern through our quiet presence. Stopping to think, "Who is this for?" might often serve us well.
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