Holding my breath

 

 

 

 My current medical situation requires that every three months I'm subjected to MRI scans. After a few years of this routine, I've become pretty accomplished with the procedure.  I have a favorite outfit with no metal pieces, although some techs still request that I change into a hospital gown.  I did, once, alter my bottom wear and, just as the scan was starting, realized that there was a small metal zipper on a pocket that I had completely forgotten about.  Believe me, reading about how the magnets in an MRI machine can toss a wheelchair across the room makes you VERY aware of any metal on your body as you slide into that tiny tube.  Luckily, I don't become claustrophobic, I close my eyes and try to think of anything but the fact that my body is basically in a casket. 

However, I do struggle with one aspect of the test....holding my breath.  Apparently research has shown that better images are achieved if breath is held on the exhale rather than the inhale. So a gentle female robot voice instructs me to, "breathe in, breathe out, hold your breath."  Then, HOURS later, commands that I "relax."  As if.  I'm starved for air, I'm in a tiny tube, I have an IV hooked up in one arm, an emergency button clutched tightly in one hand (but not TOO hard), and I haven't had anything to eat or drink for at least 4 hours. (I learned that this has nothing to do with the accuracy of the scan, but is to prevent you from needing to vomit while you are in there...pleasant). Sure, I'll "relax."

(Interestingly, during mammograms the instructions are "take a breath, stop breathing."   The hold is on the inhale, and the instruction is not to hold your breath but to STOP. )

In actuality, the breath holds are, at the longest, about 20 seconds. Something I could probably do without any qualms in normal situations.  At night, if I have trouble sleeping, one of my strategies is to do "box breathing."  Breathe in for a count of 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4, repeat. It works pretty well to distract my monkey mind and ease me into sleep. I can swim underwater a fair distance. I've warned the MRI techs that the breath holds are hard for me and they say they will try to keep them short. I know that if I fail and take a breath, the images will be distorted, making interpretation more difficult. (Although in my case, I doubt that would make much difference in the end.)  So, I do my best. I try counting, I grit my teeth, press my tongue to the roof of my mouth.  I've tried taking bigger or smaller inhales, bigger or smaller exhales, doesn't seem to help.  Being told "DO NOT BREATHE" is an admonition that makes me want to breathe even more.

Think of all the times we hold our breath, wait with bated breath, or have the wind knocked out of us (literally or figuratively).  We do it in anticipation of good and bad, happy and sad. We do it when we are scared, when we are being sneaky, when we are excited, or when we are hurt.  Breathing is life and being asked to NOT breath goes against our basest instincts. 

I'm not sure I'll ever get better at breath holding for an MRI, but I've heard that, with practice, you can improve.  I'll test that out in three months.

 I sometimes feel I spent many years holding my breath, waiting for the other shoe to fall, walking on eggshells, not daring to disturb the very delicate currents of air that circulated through my life. Only in the past 10 years or so have I felt that I could breath more easily, more freely.  I don't want to hold my breath!