Progress report

 I've never considered myself a perfectionist.  To me, a perfectionist would be neat and orderly, be reluctant to turn in a report until it was "perfect," and not procrastinate.  None of those are characteristics I possess. I am not very neat, I am happy to say something is "good enough," and I love to avoid doing things.  So when I'm told that I have a tendency to be a little hard on myself, I find it hard to believe. But, what those critics are pointing out is my tendency to hold myself to high standards and high expectations. I often feel like I'm not doing my job very well, or that, at least, I should be doing it better.  It is in the realm of emotions and expectations that I expect perfection--I shouldn't feel discouraged (or mad or frustrated or overwhelmed.)  I shouldn't make mistakes.  It is a tendency I've worked years to moderate, and, trust me, I'm much better than I was.

I was very lucky this week to have lunch with my old graduate school advisor.  I finished my degree nearly 30 years ago, but we continue to stay in touch and try to meet up once a year at our professional society meeting.  Our conversation was wide ranging, but much time was spent on my experiences as a dean and the problems I've faced.  He asked if I got any feedback from others and I said, yes, people seemed happy with my performance, but I wasn't.  He, astutely, noted that perhaps I should consider others to be more objective in their evaluations than I could be. Somehow, coming from him, it rang more true.  I should trust the opinions of those I respect.

Even more importantly, though, was his observation that sometimes not losing ground is actually progress.  Such a concept is a cornerstone of 12 step programs--one day at a time. A day of sobriety is a success.  In times of struggle, maintaining a foothold is a success.  It is a reassuring message, that progress won't always be forward.  Some days just standing still is worthy of praise.

Yet, a quick search of "standing still" on Google will find admonitions that standing still is going backwards (Lauren Bacall), that "when you stop moving, you're done." (Georges St. Pierre),  "be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still" (Chinese proverb).

Maybe, every now and then, we need to stand still in order to grow.  Maybe, now and then, being able to hold your ground is an accomplishment.  Today, I'm glad to accept that not moving backwards means I've made progress.