The sadness of little losses

 Grief over big losses, death, divorce, loss of a job or home, is expected and natural.  Much has been written about it, how it progresses, how it is managed, and it impacts your life. Much less attention seems to be paid to the little losses, a neighbor moving away, a colleague leaving the company, a favorite hairdresser retiring. Today I learned that one of the coaches at my gym is leaving. For a year I've seen her about 3 times a week. We know only the barest outlines of each other's lives, but in other ways we are intimate friends. She has seen me sweat and struggle, encouraged me to push when I didn't want to, offered friendly encouragement and smiles. I know that in a few weeks she will be only a vague, pleasant memory. I suppose the length of that recovery will depend on how well I like her replacement! But, I'm a little sad today that our journey together has ended. 

I was tempted to pin these feeling of loss on aging, but I don't think that's fair. I think back to people who at some point were SO IMPORTANT to me--childhood and college friends, former colleagues, teammates, and teachers. Some of them I wouldn't even recognize today, or possibly even remember. Seems that over our lifetime we are forever letting go. Of course, to bring this back to some positivity, we have the possibility of endless new connections (which we will, some day, have to let go!)

Theodor Billroth

 

 

 I've been working today on a new lecture covering a brief history of medicine for my population class. Reading through overviews of medical advances I happened upon the name Theodor Billroth, a pioneer in gastric surgery--in fact, Wikipedia calls him the founding father of modern abdominal surgery. Two years ago I had a "Billroth II" reconstruction following gastric surgery!  I had no idea that Dr. Billroth first developed these procedures in the 1800s.  While I'm sure there have been advances it does make wonder, what has medicine done since then? 

I was also fascinated to learn that Billroth was a music aficionado and close friend of Brahms. Brahms even dedicated some works to him. I wonder if the surgeons play Brahms in the operating room? If not, they should.  I'll have to ask them at my next visit.

Somehow, feeling connected to someone so well-respected in history makes me feel just a little special.

"In all the spheres he sought to influence, he was guided by a belief in the unity of science and art, and by confidence in his own ability to effect change."  

 

(From Roses, Daniel F. (1989-01-01). "Review of The Surgeon's Surgeon: Theodor Billroth 1829–1894, Vol. 3". Journal of the History of Medicine and Allied Sciences. 44 (2): 251–253. doi:10.1093/jhmas/44.2.251. JSTOR 24633109.)

 

 

Yoga, 108, Equinox

 Today is the autumnal equinox. To celebrate, I met up with 15 others to perform 108 yoga sun salutations. It took us over 90 minutes, but we did them. It was hot and sweaty work, and some couldn't finish, but I did (with a few modifications here and there).

I first learned about yoga in the 1970s went I spent two weeks in rural Tennessee helping to build a community center. Part of our group were a young "hippie" couple who led those interested in yoga every afternoon. Proof:

(I'm dressed all in white. No way I could do a tree pose that high today....)

Upon my return I attended yoga classes at the local YMCA where I was definitely the youngest person there. Over the years, from time to time, I would return to the practice, but never very seriously or for very long. I dabbled in meditation, attending a weekly meditation group at the University and even going to some classes at the local Buddhist temple in Syracuse. I took some classes in Tai Chi. Clearly I was looking for something.

During Covid, one of the coaches from my gym started a Sunday morning virtual yoga class. It was perfect. I was going through some difficult times and that weekly hour spent on myself became a lifeline. The quiet focus on my body, the companionship of others, the gentleness of the moves, and the encouragement to suspend judgement, soothed my soul.  So, I was glad that when I moved I found a similarly focused instructor and group.

Why 108? Apparently 108 is  a special number in many ways. Fibonacci of math fame thought the number represented the wholeness of existence. The distance from the Sun to the Earth is approximately 108 times the Sun's diameter and the distance from the Earth to the Moon is roughly 108 times the Moon's diameter. The Sanskrit alphabet has 54 characters and each has a masculine and feminine form 54x2=108. I could go on.  Of course, I could come up with a whole host of things that DON'T add up to 108, but for today I'll suspend my cynical nature, celebrate the equality of daylight and night, and suspend judgement.

Happy Equinox!

Hard things

 In the course of my life, I, like everyone, have done some hard things. Some are emotionally taxing, some require intense concentration and mental focus, some demand courage, some brute strength. In almost all cases, afterward, I've felt a sense of accomplishment, maybe tinged with relief, but overall a feeling that I have conquered the obstacle. Tired, but stronger. Drained, but confident.

You can do hard things.

I've now come across a hard thing that, while I could do, and did do, I did not come away unscathed.

I'm back from a week-long wilderness camping and canoeing trip, a venture I've undertaken a few times before. I went into the trip confident in my abilities, excited about the experience, and looking forward to the healing powers of the forest, lakes, and skies.

Instead, I now feel defeated. The trip was hard, physically and emotionally. I'm left feeling that I'm not that strong, not that able. I can't seem to find the sense of accomplishment that should come from getting through a difficult experience, not even a sense of relief. Instead, weeks later, I still find myself brooding, wondering what I could have done differently, trying to rewrite the story in a positive way. I want to find the light.

Maybe sometimes doing a hard thing doesn't make you stronger, it just makes you tired.

Bright Ideas

 My neighborhood requires that each home have a dusk to dawn light in front of the house. (Our HOA is pretty innocuous, so I don't mind the requirement.)  Since I moved in just over a year ago, my outdoor light has been on 24/7. I realized that the sensor was no longer working and needed to be replaced, but it wasn't high on my list of priorities. But, a few days ago I got around to making the repair. I'll have to say I was a bit proud of my ability to tackle this job alone, although to be honest it entailed only unclipping a plastic coupler and plugging in one attached to the new sensor. 

I thought at the same time I would replace the light bulb and came into the house to find one of the long life bulbs I had purchased about a week ago. I remembered buying them and looked in the pantry where I keep light bulbs. No new bulbs. Hmm, maybe I put them in the cupboard with cleaning supplies. No bulbs. In the garage? No. In the linen closet? No. Under the sink? No. No. No. (I have 3 sinks). I had purchased bird seed at the same time, so maybe I put them on the sun porch. No. 

I put the old bulb back in.    

                                                     

I have two laptops. I usually keep one at my office on campus and one at home. For the summer, I brought my school laptop home. I sometimes use it at home at my dining room table if I don't feel like sitting in my home office. However, my home laptop has the Adobe Pro software and my school one does not. About a month ago I was working at the dining room on my school laptop and realized I needed to edit a .pdf document. I grabbed my other laptop, put it on the table, and completed the edit. The next day, I came home from the gym and decided to do some work. I saw my home laptop on the table, but not my school laptop. I had the mouse. I had the power cord. I did not have the laptop. I looked in my home office. No laptop. I looked in my bedroom. No laptop. I looked on the sun porch. No laptop. My sinking feeling was that it had been stolen. The dining room opens to the sun porch and I'm not always careful to lock that door. Would someone actually come in and take the laptop but not the power cord and not the second laptop? Seemed odd, but I was resigned to the loss due to my own stupidity. I sat down at the other laptop, then realized...the second laptop was under it. I had merely put one on top of the other. The school laptop is pretty slim and exactly the same dimensions.  Now, I was amazed by my own stupidity.

Today, I decided to take a hike in the 90 degree weather. I pulled out my convertible hiking pants to wear because they have lots of pockets. As I was zipping off the lower leg pieces to make shorts I thought, "Every time I put these back together I fumble to get the legs on the correct side. I should mark these pieces so that it will be easier." Impressed with my thinking I turned over one of the lower leg pieces and noticed an "R" on the zipper pull.  I picked up the other piece, an "L" on the zipper pull....Who knew?? It reminded me of the time I realized my sheets had tags for "side" and "top."  Will the world ever cease to amaze me?? Does my stupidity have no bounds?

Shaking my head, dressed for my hike, I walked back into the dining room with a smile. I glanced over to the corner where the 5 gallon bucket I had purchased at the hardware store sat. Guess what was in it? 

A box of light bulbs.

In my studies of gerontology the mantra was, don't worry if you forget where you put your keys, worry if you don't remember what they are for. Or, if you find them in the freezer.

 Luckily, the light bulbs were not in the freezer.

(I need to point out, for some readers, that I had relayed the laptop story to my niece and her daughter when they stopped for a visit. The laptops were still on the table in the exact position I had left them. Before I reached the revelation, Ruby, without a beat, pointed out that they were on top of each other. I should have called her to look for my light bulbs! The difference nearly 60 years can make...)

                                                        

Desire Paths

 The university where I teach has a very small student run newspaper. Published only once a week, it is usually four pages, two of which are sudoku puzzles and photographs. This is a tech school, so while we have some great writers, journalism is not strongly represented.  But, this week a cover story caught my eye. Grasswalkers: Illinois Institute of Technology and Desire Paths.

What is a desire path you might ask? According to Wikipedia, it is "an unplanned small trail created as a consequence of mechanical erosion."  It is a path people have made for convenience.  Think of the way we cut across a corner, or walk straight instead of following a curved sidewalk or path.

 In the 1990s the university constructed a new student center on a parcel of land that was vacant. In the design of the building the architects used the "desire paths" the students had created across the open field as the guide for the building's corridors. The result is a building that feels very confusing. The hallways seem to be at odd angles and intersect in sharp angles.  What worked for an open field doesn't seem as well-suited for a building.

And it makes sense, doesn't it?  A desire path is created to minimize travel time or maximize convenience. Once you plop a building down the old paths lose their advantage to some extent. The expectations we have for how a building corridor will function are different than those we hold for open fields.

 

(The student center is the rectangle in the middle of this plan and the orange lines show the "desire paths." Giving you an interior like the below.)

 

But, the whole thing got me thinking about desire paths. They are both rebellious and conformist at the same time. We are railing against the prescribed pathway, but doing so with everyone else. We aren't making our own unique path, we are following a crowd. A rebellious crowd, perhaps, but a crowd nonetheless. How often do we all desire the same thing?  Will there eventually be offshoots from the desire path, representing new desires?

It just so happened that at the same time I was mulling over desire paths, I came across a passage in a book I was reading (The Ten Thousand Doors of January). A young scholar was told he needed to "find a path." But he despaired over the two choices he had been offered. "But to Yule both paths were unspeakably bleak. Both of them would necessitate a narrowing of his boundless horizons, an end to his dreaming." 

Can we use desire paths outside of discussions of the built environment? What if your desire path doesn't fall along the beaten trail? 

More to come.....

   

It's been awhile....

 I think about things I might want to write, but somehow never get around to it. I think we alternate through phases of intensity and retreat. Maybe like the seasons.  I've been through a quiet winter, so maybe spring is around the corner.

I was listening to an audiobook today and a certain phrase stuck with me. This is not a direct quote, but it was something like...."there are still scars but I remind myself that means the bleeding has stopped."  I thought it was a good way to think about our scars, physical and psychological. They are there, no denying that. But we could look at them as places of healing, rather than places of hurt.

That's all for today.