The long road to equality

I don't often write about my experiences as a woman in academia, but today I am. 

Earlier today I was in a meeting with other campus leaders, interviewing a candidate for a dean position. I was the only woman in the room of five people. I had mentioned at the beginning that I would need to leave early to attend another function.  At 1 pm, I stood up, put on my coat and said, in the job candidate's direction, "I'm sorry I have to leave, but it was nice to meet you and I hope you enjoy the rest of your visit here."  There was a moment of silence, and then the conversation continued as if I had never been in the room.  No, "nice to meet you, too," no "thanks, Chris," no "see you later," no shred of recognition that I had been a part of the conversation in any way.

Interestingly, the reason I was leaving was to attend our campus celebration of Women's History Month.  When I walked into the room the event, featuring a panel of female students, was already in progress.  I looked around and noticed that there was not a single male faculty, staff, or administrator in the room.  At the end of the panel an older woman rose from the audience and encouraged everyone in the room to continue the fight for full equality.  She reminded us that the struggle has been long, but that the young women in the audience should remember that they are fighting the battle not just for themselves, but for all of those who will come after them.

It is days like this that remind me of how far we have yet to go.....

Relative age

 

The other day I had to drop off a new prescription at the pharmacy. As the clerk, a young man, was entering it into the system he asked me to verify my name and address, which I did.  Then, he asked for my birthdate.  I responded "2/X/57"  he started typing and repeated back "2/X/27?" 

Occasionally when I'm with my nearly 90 year old father I'm confused for his wife or sister. I get that it is the gray hair, and find it amusing. I wasn't even offended that this young guy would think I was 30 years older than I am.

But, there is this way in which once you reach a certain age (not sure what it is) you become just "old."  There is just not the same frame of reference for birth dates of people considerably older than you.  I'm guessing this guy was in his 20's, 30's, tops.  Any date before 1970 is probably just the same to him.  He had no context to put 1957 in any different place than 1927, 1937 or 1947--they are all well before he was born--and just "old."

Time to get used to it!

Tale of two grays

Let's look at two photos from yesterday.  The first is a view from my office window.  I took it against the glass, so there is a little halo effect, but you have to imagine a city skyline in the distance.

The second photo was taken at an awards assembly inside, the same day.  Notice how the woman in pink stands out, like a pink jelly bean in a bowl of black ones.

Why, on such a gray day, is everyone compelled to wear gray????  Wouldn't the world be a happier place if more people wore pink? or yellow? or neon orange?   Why when the world is so gray, literally and figuratively, do we insist on dressing to match?  Let's lighten up!!!

(Post script....the woman in pink is wearing black and white today....nobody is perfect!)

Time and Distance

Last week I had to take my cat to a special vet center in the Chicago suburbs.  I took me over 1.5 hours to get there and another 1.5 hours to get from the veterinary hospital to work.  By 10 am I had been driving for over 3 hours.  I started to think, where else could I have been in 3 hours of driving?  In that same amount of time, where could I have traveled? Now, it was rush hour, so that needed to be factored in, but in 3 hours of normal driving I could be in:

Indianapolis, IN
Milwaukee, WI
Madison, WI
Grand Rapids, MI

Sometimes I think about taking off for a little mini-vacation but then think, "Do I really want to drive that far?"  But, if instead I think the trip is no longer than what I spent delivering my cat maybe the distances will seem like less.

End of an era....

        
 I have grey hair. It started turning gray in my late 20s and by my mid-30s I was almost fully grey.  Some people would say my hair is white, I guess that is true, too.  I decided early on that I would embrace the color and never tried dying my hair.  I sometimes wonder if my life would be different if my hair was still brown, I wonder what I would look like, or how I would feel.  On the other hand, I am frequently stopped by strangers, male and female, who comment on my hair. It has definitely become a key part of my self-identity.

After I was pretty fully white headed, I noticed that sometimes my hair would take on a yellow tinge.  A little research revealed that this is a common problem with white/gray/grey hair and that one thing that helps is to use purple shampoo and conditioner.  Apparently some of the color of the dye remains on your hair after washing and counteracts the yellowing.  This is NOT the same as the blue rinses that are often associated with older women (although I have occasionally used a rinse to brighten my hair.)  The purple hair products give a more subtle effect.

A little experimentation led me to Pantene Silver Expressions, a purple shampoo and conditioner line that was designed specifically for gray/white hair. I fell in love. The products made my hair shine and left it soft and manageable. They were some of the best I've ever used, brown hair or white.  They could be a little tricky to find, but I knew a few stores that regularly stocked them. Then, one day, I couldn't find them anymore. I ended up searching online and found that they had been discontinued. I ordered what I could and crossed my fingers.  YES! a year or so later, they were back.  I should have taken their temporary hiatus more seriously, though, because a short time later they disappeared again.


Anxious I turned to a wider internet search. I bought some bottles on eBay, I hoarded and stockpiled.  Today, I used the last of my last bottle of conditioner.  I looked to see if I could still find it online.

 And found these prices.....$129 for a bottle of shampoo, $44 for a bottle of conditioner!!! I found one listing for a 2 pack of conditioner for $322.  Sadly, it is time for me to move on....

 Pantene Silver Expressions Color Enhancing Conditioner 13.5 Fl Oz (Pack of 2)   1 new from $321.99


I've been using an alternative shampoo for a few months and ordered their conditioner. But it doesn't look or feel the same.  I'm sad.  I've lost a constant in my life, a dear friend.

The power of the bandaid

                                                                                                   



A few days ago at work I suffered a small papercut on my finger. It wasn't terribly bad, but it was bleeding and I was on my way to a meeting.  I quickly rummaged around in our office first aid kit for a bandaid.  I pulled one out, opened it, and put it over the bloody spot on my finger.  I went off to the meeting and didn't think about it again.

That evening, when I was washing up before bed, I noticed that the paper cut was on a different finger!  I had put the bandaid over the spot on the adjacent finger where the blood had rubbed off, not over the paper cut. 

What do we say when a little one comes to us with a "boo boo"?  We kiss it to make it better.  Or, we put on a bandaid!  The injury often doesn't require a cover, but that bandaid is magical. It indicates that something is being done, a complaint is being taken seriously, a voice is being heard.

I obviously didn't need the bandaid to stop the bleeding or protect the cut. But, I had felt so much better after putting on the bandaid, even though it was on the wrong finger.   I was comforted by my bandaid on the wrong finger because I felt I had taken an action, had responded, had addressed the situation. 

How many times in life are we asked by someone for a bandaid--to respond, to care, to listen?

Packing a bag

Both of my pregnancies went well past their due dates, so you would think I would have been well-prepared with my bags packed. I wasn't.  I did do some packing, a change of underwear, a nightgown, something to wear home and something for the baby to wear home.  But I didn't have any special lotions or books or music or candies. I didn't put a lot of thought into those bags, I admit.

Many years later, I packed another bag. It had a change of clothes for me and my son, a couple of toothbrushes and some cash.  I kept it in the trunk of my car for a few months, not sure when I might need to quickly leave a house where it was becoming increasingly difficult to stay.  I did need to use that bag once, alone, and I was glad it was there many other nights. It was like the life rings along the pool, you hope you will never need them, but having them there makes you feel safer.

Over the last few months I've often taken a packed bag with me on a visit to my father's house, not sure what situation I would find and how long I might need to stay. A few times my sisters and I have had an impromptu sleepover, sitting up late in our childhood home wondering together what the future will bring. Having a bag ready has given me those comforting nights.

Now, I've started to pack a bag again. This time so that I can quickly make a trip to meet my first grandchild.  I want to be ready when the call comes. I'll get my toiletries together, a change of clothes, something to sleep in. I know I'll be excited and worry that I'll forget some essential item (like my contact lens case!)

All of these life transitions have needed bags.  These little duffels that hold just enough to hold you over for a couple of days, the bare essentials, the minimum you would need to get through. It would be good to strip many things in my life down to the minimum, the bare essentials.

Thinking about packing bags brings to my mind this great song by Nancy Griffith, "Things I Don't Need," with these lyrics:

Like a bag you unpack at the end of a trip
You're wondering why did I take all of this?
These things I don't need, weigh me down
I woke up today and I made up my mind
From now on I'll leave all those things I don't need behind