In the course of my life, I, like everyone, have done some hard things. Some are emotionally taxing, some require intense concentration and mental focus, some demand courage, some brute strength. In almost all cases, afterward, I've felt a sense of accomplishment, maybe tinged with relief, but overall a feeling that I have conquered the obstacle. Tired, but stronger. Drained, but confident.
You can do hard things.
I've now come across a hard thing that, while I could do, and did do, I did not come away unscathed.
I'm back from a week-long wilderness camping and canoeing trip, a venture I've undertaken a few times before. I went into the trip confident in my abilities, excited about the experience, and looking forward to the healing powers of the forest, lakes, and skies.
Instead, I now feel defeated. The trip was hard, physically and emotionally. I'm left feeling that I'm not that strong, not that able. I can't seem to find the sense of accomplishment that should come from getting through a difficult experience, not even a sense of relief. Instead, weeks later, I still find myself brooding, wondering what I could have done differently, trying to rewrite the story in a positive way. I want to find the light.
Maybe sometimes doing a hard thing doesn't make you stronger, it just makes you tired.
