Back in my graduate school days, a highlight of professional conferences was the alumni night mixer. Held in a big ballroom there was a band, alcohol, smoking and 1,000 or more people. Sort of like a grown up frat party....
At one such event I noticed that I was having a great deal of difficulty talking in the noisy, smoky room and chalked it up to that--a night of noise and smoke. Since then I would occasionally experience the same problem, losing my voice in noisy environments like parties, basketball games, and train stations. Then I started having trouble lecturing, especially a second class on the same day. I would find myself choking, coughing, eyes watering, nose running, unable to talk. It started happening at lunch, in meetings, at presentations. Some times I would be fine, other times not. I tried slowing down, drinking water, taking deep breaths. Some times it would work, other times not.
Was this a real problem? Was it my imagination? Was it just stress? Was it all in my head? Many days I was fine, but often enough to bother me, I was not. Finally this year I sought the advice of an ENT. After his examination ruled out any structural problems, he sent me to a speech therapist. I was able to have 5 sessions before my move. We worked on some simple exercises, that, I admit, I had little faith in. I did my lip trills, read my lists of words, cut carbonated drinks out of my diet, and got better control of my reflux symptoms. I didn't notice a marked improvement.
My job requires me to talk....a lot. I have meetings, presentations, lectures, parties, a variety of events where my ability to communicate is key and where I am being judged on my "presentation of self." Coughing and choking are not conducive to presenting a professional image.
Frustrated, I once again sought out help. The new speech therapist has some new diagnoses--vocal chord dysfunction and "vocal fry," and some new ideas for treatment. Most importantly, she assured me that I was not making this up and that it was a real, and treatable, problem. She let me cry in her office.
It has me thinking about how we view our voices and the role they play in our identity. So much of our perception of others is based on they talk and how we hear. It makes sense then that focusing on how we feel about our own voices is emotional and close. People will often talk about needing to find their voice in a metaphoric way. They mean that they are looking for how they express themselves...learning to have confidence that what they say matters. I'm looking for my voice in a very literal sense...learning again how to have confidence in my vocal chords.
