A New Year

I've never been much of one for making new year's resolutions, so I've decided not to start.  But it seems like every now and then a person should take stock of where they are and where they are headed...not much sense in looking back at where you have been.  So, maybe tonight I'll do a little stock taking, in private, with a good drink, a warm fire, and a calm heart.

One thing I can say about this year, I have encountered more kindness than I thought possible, more care and concern, more love, and more friendship than I knew existed.  Oh, but wait, that is looking backward!!

I will look forward.

Living in the Gray

                                               

It seems like one of the developmental tasks of adulthood is coming to recognize, accept, and maybe even appreciate the "grayness" of life.  Not every decision is black and white, not every experience is totally positive or negative, no person is all good or all bad.  My acceptance of grayness has been maybe longer in coming than for most.  I've always wanted to know the answer, to seek some absolute truth, to have a definitive solution to a problem.  Long ago I learned to love my gray hair. Now I've found I'm beginning to enjoy the inherent ambiguity and uncertainty of life...well, sometimes.

My new problem is that we tend to have fewer ways to talk about the middle. Our vocabulary emphasizes extremes.  There are so many words for anger:  irate, incensed, outraged.  There are words for calm; peaceful, serene, tranquil.  But what do we call something inbetween...."okay"? "Happy"?  They seem weak and ineffectual.  Other choices might be ambivalent, conflicted, uncertain, accepting.  But they all have a somewhat negative connotation.  I guess we have experimenting, exploring, discovering, at least those words convey some sense of wonder and excitement, but I think they also imply that there is an endpoint, a treasure at the end of the road.

It is not only language that troubles me, but gestures as well.  What is there between a handshake and a kiss? Is it a hug?  How do you convey a sense of closeness and friendship without a sexual connotation? With non-romantic interests a hug works well, if you are a hugger.  But what about that in between category of "possibles"?  People living in your gray zone. People with whom there is no romantic intent (yet), but with whom there is emotional,but not physical, intimacy (at least not now).  A hug might give the wrong impression, but doing nothing feels wrong, too.

I think if we, as adults, are to truly embrace our gray, we need better words!!!

Sitting with dying

I spent several hours today sitting with dying.  B, one of my hospice patients, who I've been visiting since January, is near death. She is only vaguely aware of my presence, but I am so acutely aware of hers.  Sitting by her bedside, holding her hand, watching the rapid pulse at the base of her neck, listening to the ragged breaths, I think about her life.  At 96 she has seen great changes, suffered tragic losses, celebrated wonderful moments. Her daughter remarked at one point, "It's like childbirth. There is suffering to bring life into the world and suffering to leave it."

Sitting with dying is alternatively challenging and calming.  Sitting still, awkwardly leaning over a bed rail to hold a hand, makes your back ache. Listening to the labored breathing tempts you to hurry the process. At the same time, there can be a peace. The quiet words of reassurance, of compassion, of caring, resonate in your very soul. The shared stories, the tears, and even the laughs, remind you of the life you are living.  Your focus narrows on the friend in the bed, but your heart feels open to the whole world.